Being a writer is the most fun job in the world. One minute you’re staring at pictures of interiors and trying to work out if the home-owner has used Farrow and Ball paint and what that strange little room off the snug could possibly be, the next critiquing manuscripts, the next writing a novel and the next reviewing someone else’s book. Life is never dull and when the book in question is as delightful, sparkling and well-written as this one, I give thanks for my vocation.
Because honestly, when the writing is as good as this, it doesn’t feel like a job.
One of my all-time favourite collections of children’s stories is The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde. It’s not over-egging the review pudding to say that Jenny Sanders’ tales reminded me of the great man’s writing. Funny, quirky and perhaps most tellingly, written for the author’s own children. All four of Jenny’s offspring loved these stories, made up in her head at bedtime, and now she has put them all in a book so that we can all enjoy them.
In the title story, we meet the lavishly moustached 7th Viscount of Perrimead-on-the-Wold, aka Lord Clanville-Smythe. He’s a snorer, a cat lover and a man wedded to his facial hair, to the detriment of his marriage. The action begins when he discovers that the inaugural National Moustache Competition is taking place at the annual fete. The Viscount is a man on a mission, to the exclusion of all else.
“Bedtime was definitely not a good time for the moustache, which now extended a good ten inches either side of the Viscount’s nose. This meant that he had to sleep flat on his back for fear of bending it or crushing it every time he turned over (a sure sign of a night of raucous snoring to come). He slept with hairbrushes either side of his head to stop this eventuality and, consequently, his wife took refuge more permanently in the spare room, shaking her head over the ludicrous way in which his facial hair had now taken over their entire lives. She had been compelled to make a special fabric cover for it, which tied up behind his head like a surgeon’s mask, so that the moustache could be protected from stray crumbs, hot soup, flailing noodles and other food debris. It had been a labour of love, for she did indeed love her husband dearly in spite of his many foibles; but she found his infatuation with the wretched thing really quite exasperating.”
I was beginning to worry that the Clanville-Smythe marriage was over, but there was no need for anxiety. The ending is unexpected, romantic and rather touching.
The fragrant liquid which keeps Great Britain going is the subject of story two, “Tea’s The Thing.” A crisis of epic proportions has arisen in the Palace. The Queen always has her morning tea to start the day, but on this occasion, the kitchen has run out and the housemaid has substituted coffee for a nice change. Chaos ensues, as you would expect (imagine running out of tea!) Upstairs, the Queen is facing up to a difficult day of diplomacy and Commonwealth business, downstairs the new computer system is proving difficult to use and the special royal tea has yet again not been ordered.
Jenny Sanders
Will the monarch learn to love coffee? Can the housekeeper get to grips with the new system? Will the country grind to a halt? I read this story at top speed to find out and was delighted by the outcome.
The unfortunately monikered Algernon Montgomery Lysander Ignatius Quentin Horatio Harold Ambrose Fitzwilliam Grantley-Ponsonby stars in “What’s in a Name”, a charming tale about a man trying to find his way in life while being burdened with a ludicrous name. A shipwreck, a desert island and a love for plants conspire to make all our hero’s dreams come true. Entirely alone, spending his days fishing, cultivating plants and grafting new ones on to old, all is well until civilisation finds him and he’s borne back to London, burdened down once again by his awful name. There’s a happy ending and a rather nice underlying nod to Robinson Crusoe. No footprint on this island, however.
Two-hundred-year-old family firm Bommington’s Biscuits are up against it as they try to stay current in a society waking up to the fact that sugar is bad for you. The board has been entirely comprised of chaps ever since the company was formed, but isn’t it time the female Bommingtons had a say? How will the national biscuit baking competition play out? Has young Charlotte Bommington found the secret to business longevity? Can Charles Bommington be released from biscuit duties and tinker with his motorbike in peace? A delightful tale of family dynamics and some truly scrumptious sounding biscuits.
In, “The King and I”, the author addresses the issue of progress and whether it is such a good thing after all. A kingdom has been cut off by floodwaters and once the inhabitants get over the shock of isolation, they live in a charmingly-old fashioned way, heating up their bathwater in saucepans, riding horses and putting wet washing through a mangle. The discovery, a hundred years later, that the waters have receded and they can progress leads to everyone becoming dependent on their phones (sound familiar?) and society unravels. Fortunately, the strong-minded Queen has the answer – but is it too late?
The final story in the collection, “The Red Dragon of Wales” has a wonderful theme of gender equality running through it. In eighteenth century Wales, farmers and dragons live together in harmony, the dragons lighting fires and keeping an eye on things, the farmers paying them in sheep (to eat). The Jones family, farmer Idris, his wife and two daughters awake one morning to find all their sheep have been buried in a snowdrift. The Jones girls are as good as boys any day, and off they go, digging sheep out with their bare hands. However, when it all becomes too much, they call on the famous Emrys, a red dragon hibernating in a valley and charm him into breathing fire on the snow and rescuing their sheep.
Having shaken him awake (a dangerous undertaking) and persuaded him to help, off they fly and the sheep are saved. But where’s the farmer? Emrys is off again, the girls on his back, to find their father and he’s not alone.
“And then, stranger than all that had happened so far, other sounds were heard on the wind. It was the answering cry of dozens of dragons who had been awakened and summoned by Emrys’ call and who now joined him in flight. In the language of dragons he gave commands and immediately they scattered and began to copy what the girls had seen on their own land. Fire-breathing dragons spread across the west of Wales, gently melting the thick snow with their hot breath, birthing streams and releasing sheep from certain death. All over the hills and valleys, farmers heard the sound of their flocks again and hurried to bring them safely into the fold. It was an astonishing sight. Even if you had been there you would scarcely have believed it.”
It all ends happily, not least for the sheep, as Emrys discovers a taste for Mrs Jones’ porridge and gives up mutton.
I absolutely loved these charming stories and you will too. Ideal for any age, they are sparkling, witty and move along at a cracking pace. Like Mr Wilde’s magnificent tales, they will stay in my mind for a very long time.
***
The Magnificent Moustache and other stories
Published by The Conrad Press. ISBN Number: 9781914913853 Available as an e-book or as a paperback. Purchase on Amazon or order at all good bookshops.
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